The Lie of the Apostolate {How I Left My Children Poor}
They said that I should
have an apostolate if I wanted my kids to grow in
faith. That I should build up the kingdom. Use my skills. Be a
leader. Be
salt and light to the world. They said that it wasn't enough
to love my kids...
that God made me for more.
They were
wrong.
My
family
is my apostolate. My home is my headquarters. My husband my
fundraiser. If God
calls me to do some further outreach, it will only be that
which does not leave
my family unloved, uncared for, or with only the leftovers of
who I am.
My
apostolic
works have often been excuses... distractions... ways of
feeling like
a productive Christian while avoiding the harder work. A way
of breaking up the
boredom of sacrificial work done without devotion.
I
would
have been a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister,
friend, and
homeschooler over the last 20 years if I hadn't bought into
the idea that I
needed to become some kind of minister to the world. Some moms
have the gift of
being high energy. I am not one of them. And I have expended
myself in so many
different directions and I was convinced that my outreaches
and apostolic works
were the moral equivalent of what I was doing at home. I now
believe I was
wrong.
I once
printed out the words of Pope St. John Paul II to recall them
in my daily work.
He said:
"You
must never be content to leave them just the crumbs of the
feast. You must take
of your substance, and not just of your abundance, in order
to help them. And
you must treat them like guests at your family table."
I fancied
myself a real winner because I thought I understood his
message which was to
care for the poor of the world in a way that costs something.
I knew what it
meant to be on the receiving end of Christ-like sacrificial
love and I knew the
power of the mercy of Jesus and I wanted to be that for
others. My
problem was that I didn't see the hypocrisy of leaving the
crumbs for my own
children while I fed strangers.
I didn't
see them as guests.
I didn't see them as the poor.
I didn't see them.
Not through the lens of Christ anyway, but only as a shallow
mom.
Oh, how
the narcissism of our age seeps into the cracks of our
ships!
As we
approach Mother Teresa's canonization, I hear her words with a
new intensity
because I realize that I never fully understood her even
though she was bold
and simple in her message. I was too busy patting myself
on the back for
being apostolic.
Her words
became placards to console myself that I was doing just fine.
Point to
Jesus. Love all the people. I did. But... it was
shallow. It was the easy
way out. Kind of like buying pretty trinkets at the Dollar
Tree to feel good
about saving money instead of showing up for work to pay the
bills. An apparent
good that distracts from the hard work to which we are really
called.
It is easy to love the people far
away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is
easier to give a
cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness
and pain of
someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for
this is where
our love for each other must start.
— Mother
Teresa of Calcutta
We are
all called to spread the Gospel, but you cannot tell me
that spreading the
Gospel to my children is not enough. The Church has
enough apostolates.
What she needs is a revival of sacrificial hardcore love in
the domestic
church. Not just a put 'em in a good Sunday school so the
experts can do it
kind of revival but real transformation. It has always been
that way because it
is not about numbers... it is about souls.
As
parents, we ARE the experts designated by God and by virtue of
our vocation and
our sacramental graces. And it IS our apostolic work to raise
our children to
know the love of Jesus Christ. If we have been faithful in
that mentorship of
love, perhaps someday we will see our children go out and give
Gospel witness
to all the world - and to the souls with whom they have
been entrusted.
They will
carry the fire.
They will witness through their lives.
Others will ask your family the cause of your hope and the
reason for your
joy.
And that is how true apostolic work begins.
We hear
the truth over and over again. Go home and love your
families. And yet
we are always seeking elsewhere... as if our path to holiness
can ever
be found elsewhere than in loving God and the souls He places
in our paths.
Those little hearts need us as badly as our neighbor does. And
they have been
given specifically to us. They are our poor and it is for them
that our hearts
should burn with compassion.
It's not
an either/or when it comes to loving family and
neighbor. It's a both/and.
And yet... and yet... one must take priority in the order of
love.
The truth
is that we only need fund-raising, event-holding apostolates
because our
shepherds have wavered, Christians have sold their
inheritance, and our
families have abdicated their roles as the domestic church
(ecclesia domestica).
It's a truth that stings and I take responsibility for my
part. I
repent...
If I
bless another soul, let it never again be at the expense of
the ones with whom
I have been entrusted.
I am not
saying that we should never engage in any apostolic work apart
from our home
and families. But I assure you that there are plenty of
people who have
led neighboring souls into the Church while their own families
were starved for
love. God will always work where people are seeking Him. But
those families can
tell you about the lie they bought at the price of their
children's hearts. It
is a painful lesson to learn. Let it not be said of us that
our families were
left starving while we worked for the Church... or that our
families flourished
in spite of us.
If I were
asked for advice about whether a mother or father should start
an apostolic
work in addition to their labors at home, I would
say: Yes, do it if it is
God's will. But don't ever do it in such a way
that Mother Teresa
has to call you out on the lie. Mea culpa.
Everybody today seems to be in
such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and
greater riches and
so on, so that children have very little time for their
parents. Parents have
very little time for each other, and in the home begins the
disruption of peace
of the world.
— Mother
Teresa of Calcutta
2:06:28 PM 
